Tuesday, May 23

Oh no

Oh no

I can't focus on work right now. My mind has been wandering all over this office since morning, sometimes it goes to Japan, sometimes it pays a visit to my cat and check on what she's doing. But most of the time my mind is lost. It didn't know where to go and it didn't have any destination.

Oh no

I have a lot in my mind right now. Should I do this, should I do that. What if that happens, what if this happens? Will they care? Do I really need it? Wow that is one nice journal. Urgh my backpack color is so dull like my life. This drink is so fucking sweet, how people drink it and why so many love it? Oh shit its only 3:13pm what should I do I wanna go home but home is boring. Should I go to art store to look for the A5 file? But bed sounds great too. But I'll just waste my time on my bed doing nothing until 9 o'clock (the earliest). Why do I have to care? Should I? Stop staring at me bitch.

Oh no

My mind is lost.

Monday, May 8

Random Thoughts This Morning

What if one day I cant control it anymore and decide to do stupid things? What if I don't want to wake up anymore? These days I feel so tired. I dont want to do shit. I am so selfish. What if its the best to just disappear? Things are not going the way I want it to be.. I'm tired. None of this is what I wanted. Why am I not grateful? This slowly kills me. When will I able to do what I want? Can I survive with just a simple work? How do I tell my parents that I want to be alone? That I dont want this anymore.. Cant I just run away? Cant I just stop one day, and go somewhere for few days? Will they worry about me? Will they get angry with me? Will they be concern and actually want to discuss with me later on? Will they understand? Or is it just me who are lazy and finding reasons to not do things? What is this feeling? I am being selfish. He is working hard for me, for us - but all I care is my stupid lazy ass and my stupid feeling.. What am I supposed to do from now on Usamah? It's getting harder everyday. If I ever will run away, I want settle few things. My license. My scholarship. And go to gym in the morning and evening. And go back to the hotel and have some nice warm shower. And hit the bed and watch some movies until I fall asleep. Can I do this for few days? But I dont think I have the heart to disappoint my father and my mother like that. All I can do now is wait and just follow the flow.. Things will get better soon they say..

Wednesday, May 3

AM Idea #2

Four-season country and I want to go there during autumn. Where the trees are all yellow, orange and brown color. Dried leaves everywhere. I want to take his candid picture while he's smoking, looking good as always.. And walk on dried leaves together, hand in hand. Perhaps listening to our favourite mellow songs. Reminiscing the memories we've made and the memory that have yet to make.

As long as we are together, side by side, everything will be alright.