Thursday, April 27

Rant

Kadang-kadang tu bila skrol sosial media, deep down in my heart rasa macam kesian dekat diri sendiri dan kesian dekat encik boyfriend. I am so different from them. I'm just plain and ugly. Bukan taknak cuba nak melawa. Tapi muka ni sendiri pun macam dah tak mengizinkan. Kadang-kadang bila cuba nak melawa, rasa macam plastik sangat. Dan rasa macam tak sesuai langsung dengan muka aku yang berparut dan berlubang ni. Sabau je la.

But he loves me nonetheless.. I am so grateful to have someone who loves me for who I am.

I still want to change tho. I want to be more clean, pretty and tidy. I want to look at least presentable. For myself and for my sayang. I will, slowly but surely :)

Wednesday, April 19

Senpai why you no notice me

There is this one time I went to Animangaki with my two friends. And as we walk over Doujinshi booth area, I saw my so-called senpai but as a coward as I am, I refuse to go to her booth. But my friend insist on going and since I want to buy some of her stuff, I just go with them clumsily and not prepared.

So once I was in front of her booth, and she saw me and smile and all of a fucking sudden I couldnt fucking think and all I said was "Hi do you still remember me?" and what the actual fuck she gave that confused who the fuck are you look and I was so fucking embarrassed and my friends are already giggling at me so I have to fucking cover it with just look at her merchs and said I want this and this and how much is it and give her my money and just walk away. I pretend like none of that happened. Luckily my friend wasnt teasing me further after that.

Fuck I still feel embarrassed whenever I think of that moment.

Name

Yesterday a makcik saw my IC and asked me what is the meaning of my name. And I smiled. 

Habrah = Kebahagiaan = Happiness.

But I feel a struck of pain inside my chest.

Can I live up to my name? When can I finally relate and be one with this name? I am so weak. I am always weak since as far as I can remember. I am a coward. I am always a coward since then. I am insecure. I always feel insecure in no matter what I do.

When can I finally say that I am truly happy and truly have that Habrah?

Friday, April 14

AM Idea #1

Perhaps on any weekend of his birthday month, I would like to plan a short getaway. Without him knowing about it of course! It could be either just in Malaysia or anywhere that we haven't been yet at that time. Just a three days or four days. It will be short but it will filled with our loves and I will cherish it in the future. 

I think anywhere near beach would be nice too. Aaa I should look up for nice beach or places in Malaysia or anywhere near here such as Indonesia or Thailand. Or maybe Sabah! Yes yes Sandakan Island right?

I'm doing my work right now and suddenly this small thoughts came onto my mind so I thought before I forget about it, might as well just jot it down here. 

:) 
I miss you, can't wait to see you and smooch your little nose. Love you lots xx

Thursday, April 13

Rant

When will it be a 'me' time? When will I ever feel like my days are filled with things I love doing? When will that time ever comes? I find it so hard to stand straight for a 24 hours a day. I find it hard everyday. I am not being grateful I know. I think I can make a change of my own but my feet and hands are cuffed so I cant move any further. I am trapped in this side of world. I wish I can see the world.

I hate silence. I hate to be in a dark where it is so quiet that I can listen to my own heartbeat. The heartbeat that always in a fast pace, and hard; knowing that I wont be safe from myself in this dark and silence.

I feel suffocated, with thoughts - of what ifs and what ifs.

syg.. i know sometimes it is so stressful to think about getting married (or even pasal bertunang pun).. so i hope you will take it easy and slow.. take your time, and i will take mine.. i wont force you or anything.. i love you so much syg.. sy taknak awk stress stress pasal bertunang or kahwin tau.. be it sooner or later, i will always be by your side no matter what.. and i believe you will always love me too. kan?