Tuesday, May 23

Oh no

Oh no

I can't focus on work right now. My mind has been wandering all over this office since morning, sometimes it goes to Japan, sometimes it pays a visit to my cat and check on what she's doing. But most of the time my mind is lost. It didn't know where to go and it didn't have any destination.

Oh no

I have a lot in my mind right now. Should I do this, should I do that. What if that happens, what if this happens? Will they care? Do I really need it? Wow that is one nice journal. Urgh my backpack color is so dull like my life. This drink is so fucking sweet, how people drink it and why so many love it? Oh shit its only 3:13pm what should I do I wanna go home but home is boring. Should I go to art store to look for the A5 file? But bed sounds great too. But I'll just waste my time on my bed doing nothing until 9 o'clock (the earliest). Why do I have to care? Should I? Stop staring at me bitch.

Oh no

My mind is lost.

Monday, May 8

Random Thoughts This Morning

What if one day I cant control it anymore and decide to do stupid things? What if I don't want to wake up anymore? These days I feel so tired. I dont want to do shit. I am so selfish. What if its the best to just disappear? Things are not going the way I want it to be.. I'm tired. None of this is what I wanted. Why am I not grateful? This slowly kills me. When will I able to do what I want? Can I survive with just a simple work? How do I tell my parents that I want to be alone? That I dont want this anymore.. Cant I just run away? Cant I just stop one day, and go somewhere for few days? Will they worry about me? Will they get angry with me? Will they be concern and actually want to discuss with me later on? Will they understand? Or is it just me who are lazy and finding reasons to not do things? What is this feeling? I am being selfish. He is working hard for me, for us - but all I care is my stupid lazy ass and my stupid feeling.. What am I supposed to do from now on Usamah? It's getting harder everyday. If I ever will run away, I want settle few things. My license. My scholarship. And go to gym in the morning and evening. And go back to the hotel and have some nice warm shower. And hit the bed and watch some movies until I fall asleep. Can I do this for few days? But I dont think I have the heart to disappoint my father and my mother like that. All I can do now is wait and just follow the flow.. Things will get better soon they say..

Wednesday, May 3

AM Idea #2

Four-season country and I want to go there during autumn. Where the trees are all yellow, orange and brown color. Dried leaves everywhere. I want to take his candid picture while he's smoking, looking good as always.. And walk on dried leaves together, hand in hand. Perhaps listening to our favourite mellow songs. Reminiscing the memories we've made and the memory that have yet to make.

As long as we are together, side by side, everything will be alright.

Thursday, April 27

Rant

Kadang-kadang tu bila skrol sosial media, deep down in my heart rasa macam kesian dekat diri sendiri dan kesian dekat encik boyfriend. I am so different from them. I'm just plain and ugly. Bukan taknak cuba nak melawa. Tapi muka ni sendiri pun macam dah tak mengizinkan. Kadang-kadang bila cuba nak melawa, rasa macam plastik sangat. Dan rasa macam tak sesuai langsung dengan muka aku yang berparut dan berlubang ni. Sabau je la.

But he loves me nonetheless.. I am so grateful to have someone who loves me for who I am.

I still want to change tho. I want to be more clean, pretty and tidy. I want to look at least presentable. For myself and for my sayang. I will, slowly but surely :)

Wednesday, April 19

Senpai why you no notice me

There is this one time I went to Animangaki with my two friends. And as we walk over Doujinshi booth area, I saw my so-called senpai but as a coward as I am, I refuse to go to her booth. But my friend insist on going and since I want to buy some of her stuff, I just go with them clumsily and not prepared.

So once I was in front of her booth, and she saw me and smile and all of a fucking sudden I couldnt fucking think and all I said was "Hi do you still remember me?" and what the actual fuck she gave that confused who the fuck are you look and I was so fucking embarrassed and my friends are already giggling at me so I have to fucking cover it with just look at her merchs and said I want this and this and how much is it and give her my money and just walk away. I pretend like none of that happened. Luckily my friend wasnt teasing me further after that.

Fuck I still feel embarrassed whenever I think of that moment.

Name

Yesterday a makcik saw my IC and asked me what is the meaning of my name. And I smiled. 

Habrah = Kebahagiaan = Happiness.

But I feel a struck of pain inside my chest.

Can I live up to my name? When can I finally relate and be one with this name? I am so weak. I am always weak since as far as I can remember. I am a coward. I am always a coward since then. I am insecure. I always feel insecure in no matter what I do.

When can I finally say that I am truly happy and truly have that Habrah?

Friday, April 14

AM Idea #1

Perhaps on any weekend of his birthday month, I would like to plan a short getaway. Without him knowing about it of course! It could be either just in Malaysia or anywhere that we haven't been yet at that time. Just a three days or four days. It will be short but it will filled with our loves and I will cherish it in the future. 

I think anywhere near beach would be nice too. Aaa I should look up for nice beach or places in Malaysia or anywhere near here such as Indonesia or Thailand. Or maybe Sabah! Yes yes Sandakan Island right?

I'm doing my work right now and suddenly this small thoughts came onto my mind so I thought before I forget about it, might as well just jot it down here. 

:) 
I miss you, can't wait to see you and smooch your little nose. Love you lots xx

Thursday, April 13

Rant

When will it be a 'me' time? When will I ever feel like my days are filled with things I love doing? When will that time ever comes? I find it so hard to stand straight for a 24 hours a day. I find it hard everyday. I am not being grateful I know. I think I can make a change of my own but my feet and hands are cuffed so I cant move any further. I am trapped in this side of world. I wish I can see the world.

I hate silence. I hate to be in a dark where it is so quiet that I can listen to my own heartbeat. The heartbeat that always in a fast pace, and hard; knowing that I wont be safe from myself in this dark and silence.

I feel suffocated, with thoughts - of what ifs and what ifs.

syg.. i know sometimes it is so stressful to think about getting married (or even pasal bertunang pun).. so i hope you will take it easy and slow.. take your time, and i will take mine.. i wont force you or anything.. i love you so much syg.. sy taknak awk stress stress pasal bertunang or kahwin tau.. be it sooner or later, i will always be by your side no matter what.. and i believe you will always love me too. kan?

Saturday, March 25

Random

Everyone have it differently. Not everyone is the same like you. Not every experience the things that you've been through. Not everyone have seen the things that you have seen.

You can't expect everyone to be like you and have the same way of life like you do. So you gotta try to learn and understand without judgement.

Be nice. You might be on their shoe one day, then they will try to learn and understand you too.

Thursday, March 16

Solo

I can't remember the last time I went to MidValley. It used to be my favourite place to hang out and window shopping by myself. I am a person who can lepak on my own quite okay la tho sometimes I feel so awkward, I feel like everyone is staring at me, and my heart will beat so fast that I feel suffocated at times. But all is well, I enjoyed being alone sometimes.

I would love to drive by myself to MidValley after office hour. I will blast my BST songs so loud that I won't be thinking of anything that comes to my mind. Traffic jam will be super bad at that hour which is better, I will have more time to spend inside my car.

1. Teppanyaki.
I've been craving teppanyaki for months. Preferably chicken and shrimp. I'll be sitting at the counter all alone while listening to more BTS songs and just observing people. I'm sure I am not the only one who is all alone. 

2. Daiso and Muji
Just walk around this two shop and browsing some shits that I can probably buy for my new room and stuff. My room is not 100% clean yet as we are still in that cleaning phase, so it gets dusty everyday. I want a pair of cute room slipper and perhaps other cute stuff.

3.Uniqlo
Window shopping. Looking for nice clothes that I can start saving money so I can buy them. I am trying to change my appearance bit by bit. I think I should be more feminine now. I am going to be a 23 years old this year, how fascinating and intimidating just by the thoughts of it.

4. Young Hearts
4 new bras and 2 box of new panties, because a girl can never have enough underwear right? Heee~

I'm planning to go there next week, maybe on Monday or Tuesday - after my brother's wedding. Let's see if I still can be all by myself.

Wednesday, March 15

Poor Heart by Yuna


I've yet to discover the sound that heart makes when it breaks,
Does it yell out loud when it's angry?
Does it weep when it's sad?
And when it's lost, does it call for help?
Would anybody be able to hear it?
How do you find a forgotten heart?
Tucked away in some abandoned place,
and giving it another chance of feeling again.
Sometimes an old heart just needs a new body.
And a lifeless body just needs a new heart.
Sometimes you just need a little bit of help from someone
For a heart to do what it is meant to do again

Today's mood

Tuesday, February 28

Life Update

Its 28th of February. 

I should be at UiTM right now for new students orientation and stuff.  Feeling all excited and giddy for new experience and campus tour by seniors. Feeling all scared and anxious for new experience and meeting people. Feeling great because I'll be gaining more theory knowledge regarding engineering. Feeling soft because ARMYs been spoiled by BTS with a lot of things. Feeling tired just from 1001 feelings I have since 26th of February. 

That is how it should happen to me. That is how I imagined it to be. 

Its 28th of February. 

And here I am, on my desk in front of my computer. Copying some files and transferring it to practical student's pendrive. Waiting for my stupid CADWorx to load for freaking 20 minutes now. Feeling anxious and heavy since morning because my brother had a fight with dad and I just feel anxious 24/7 these days (except when I'm scrolling twitter for BTS). Still wearing the same stupid shirt and same stupid veil color and same stupid worn-out jeans and same stupid Daiso 5 dollar red watch. Same daily routine, but boring.

That is the reality (which I wish to run away, but couldn't).

Tuesday, January 3

BTS

i've always been a YGstan before this bcs i like their music n stuff. once i'm in love with winner and ikon, i knew i cannot stan any other idol anymore bcs enough is enough. watching every single one of their videos takes a lot of time and i am in actual kpop hell.

i've always wanted to checkout bts bcs i think DOPE is catchy af but i resist so hard to get into this fandom.

inktober comes, i saw lina ngo's drawing of them - in their wings concept, which is super attractive and elegant and classy - i tried listening to Blood, Sweat, Tears and FUCK. and i tried listening to DOPE again and FUCK. and i tried listening to War of Hormone and FUCK.

and this process repeats itself for all of their songs and i know i am FUCKED. the last song that fucked me hard is SAVE ME. good lord that song moves me in so many ways. the music, the lyrics, the choreography, their expressions and shit.

and here i am, so deep in this fandom and i dont feel like complaining at all bcs i really really really in love with all seven of them. these boys give me feels that i dont really feel from winner and ikon. 

and one thing i love about them is the fact that they have twitter account and they are so active in communicating with their fans! and they constantly upload videos on their youtube channel and always always mentioning ARMY, it moves me down to the core. i, as a new fan of bts, feel very very appreciated. when they won something, ARMY will be the first thing that they will mention. bcs they know their fans are the reason why they are being known. ARMYs have worked so hard for them too so they thanked us and give us what we deserve.

i have to admit that this group, this kpop idol is the only group that i will stan so hard, and these boys is BANGTAN SEONYEONDAN <3 br="">